From The Angst Filled Hipster Diary of El Pirata

12 Jan

We managed to sneak a peek at El Pirata’s Moleskine journal today while he was  kickin’ back at the local coffee house. He should have never left it on the table while he was in the loo. We’re sneaky like that. 

I’m having the worst week ever! First, I don’t get called up to play against Malaga and OF COURSE that’s the day when they play the Beatles on the bus instead of Sergio’s whiny love ballads (which he claims remind him of Lara, but we all really know that he means Nando), his Eurodisco mega-mix or Marcelo’s hip hop collection. Oh and I’ve got news for you, Karim, rap doesn’t sound bad ass in French, it just sounds like you’re dropping science about perfume or haute cuisine. And then Xabi just had to rub it in by posting the good music news on Twitter. HE KNOWS I READ HIS TWITTER FEED! That’s just so passive-aggressive. He’s probably pissed because I said I looked better in a pea coat and Ray Bans than he does. Whatever. Then there are all these rumors that I’m transferring to Arsenal, Liverpool, Malaga… Who the hell is going to run the biweekly spoken word throwdown at Cafe Vegan Boheme’ if I leave? (And for the record, why the hell do my teammates always say they’re going to come to that and never show?  There are always mumbled excuses about getting the date wrong and Mesut pretends he doesn’t understand Spanish when I invite him. Philistines!)

So yeah, the week started off like shit, but then today, oh, today it got so much worse. We had a celebrity visitor. And who was the celebrity, you might ask? None other than that Brazilian devil, Michel Telo, he of “Ai Se Eu Te Pego” infamy. THAT. FRIGGING. SONG. It makes me want to claw my eyes out!  And look at this dude! Could he BE more perky?!

That song is Satan tied up in a pretty, catchy bow. I mean there’s an accordion involved! The only time an accordion is acceptable is when Regine from The Arcade Fire plays it. Ah, Regine…. Why can’t The Arcade Fire visit Valdebebas?!  Why can’t I ever have nice things?! But I digress…

Everyone was so damn excited that Michel was here. They all had to run and have their picture taken with him.

And then Marcelo gave him a shirt which he made all of us sign, because, HELLO! IT’S MICHEL TELO, YOU GUYS! (like he was freaking Dylan or something. Why can’t Dylan visit Valdebebas? Oh right. Only Xabi and I would know who he was and right now, I’m not speaking to Xabi.) I thought that the dude was going to weep with excitement!


He had to talk Brazilian stuff with Kaka, because the entire country worships him in way that would probably make Kaka feel uncomfortable if he really thought it through. False gods and whatnot, you know.

And of course, Cristiano is his favorite player…. 

“Cristiano Ronaldo is incredible and he’s my favourite player. I really admire him. I’ve always admired him because he is a world class player who needs no comments to describe him.”

Cristiano is EVERYONE’S favorite player. Just for once, I’d like a world leader to show up and be all like “Oooooh, I can’t wait to meet Antonio Adan – I worship him!” or “Damn, that El Pirata is a well read, snappy dressing hipster icon with amazing skills. Out of my way uber-tanned high scoring Armani model dude that I don’t know, let me at Granero” Yeah, but that shit doesn’t happen here. It’s Cristiano’s world, we just live in it.

Then he had to gush about how much he loved Real Madrid and all of the team. Not to mention he had his picture taken everywhere possible.

“I’m very happy to be here with the people I’ve always admired. I’m very excited to step on the pitch they step on. I never imagined I could be here. I’m nervous and must confess my favourite pastime is to play football videogames. I always choose Real Madrid when I play and I’m here with them now. That’s amazing.”

Did he really just admit that he likes to play as Real Madrid on videogames? Oy. I mean, dude, everyone does it but you’ve gone full metal fangirl with that admission!  So much for your indie cred, Michel Telo. Oh right, you don’t have any! You’re no Erase Errata, buddy, that’s for sure. He seems really excited and sincere though, so I’ll give him that. He probably wouldn’t idolize the boys so much if he had to live with them day in, day out. You can’t get near a mirror between Sergio and Cristiano.  Marcelo & Pepe are always pranking everyone. Albiol likes to light his farts on fire. Nobody reads David Foster Wallace except Xabi and he’s too busy sexting Stevie all the time to talk about it with me. It’s like a multimillionaire filled frat house. I don’t know how someone with my sensitivity survives. I am so misunderstood. Oh hells no, Marcelo and Pepe are leading a conga line through the locker room and playing Ai Se Eu Te Pego for the 800th time today. Fuck this shit. I’m outta here. I’m going to head down to the coffee house, get a double espresso and write some fanfic. Dave Eggars/Myla Goldberg OTP, ftw! Later, I’ll hit the thrift store and dig for some vintage vinyl while listening to Vashti Bunyan. That collaboration she did with Piano Magic was ill. Ai Se Eu Te Pego THAT, muthafukkas.

Yours in good cheekboned well clad angst,

Pirata

– Lozil

26 Responses to “From The Angst Filled Hipster Diary of El Pirata”

  1. Elisha Buckley January 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    Omg this is brilliant :’)

  2. Gigi January 12, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    This is THE BEST thing ever. I have tears in my eyes.

  3. Christine January 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    Hilarious and brilliant!!!! 😀 can’t stop laughing!!!

  4. kfunk22 January 12, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Fuck this shit. I’m outta here. I’m going to head down to the coffee house, get a double espresso and write some fanfic. Dave Eggars/Myla Goldberg OTP, ftw!

    i want to marry you, lo.

    • headbandsandheartbreak January 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

      Well, we’ve been engaged for a like a year now, so perhaps it’s time to finally take the plunge. Double wedding with Guti/Romina? 😉

      • kfunk22 January 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

        done and done. i’m going to go and register us at the RM apparel shop.

        • headbandsandheartbreak January 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

          Fabulous! I need those 3/4 length training shorts like, yesterday.

          • em January 13, 2012 at 10:56 am #

            the bride wears Blanco!!!

            • headbandsandheartbreak January 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

              Hell yeah she does! (It’s the only way I’d be able to wear white at my wedding!)

              • maddy January 13, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

                Did you read about the lady who made her wedding dress out of her fiance’s old man city jerseys? Didn’t know what to make of that.

                • headbandsandheartbreak January 13, 2012 at 11:33 pm #

                  I did! I thought it was awesome. Good for her. She also did a fantastic job – she had a great eye for the pattern design and she can sew like a house on fire. It’s was their day – good for them for doing what they wanted. Shiggers’ wedding dress was fuschia and she looked amazing. Her hubby, ginboonmiller, looked dashing in a seersucker suit. Perfect for a late summer event. I’m all for non-traditional weddings.

                  • maddy January 13, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

                    Oh i do salute her for being original and true to herself. But i don’t think i could do that. Fuscia sounds lovely though!

  5. maddy January 12, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    genius. when i get to a computer i’m going to share it with everyone and then tweet it to pirata like 4zillion times so he is force violined to read it. this is pure genius. like when the apple fell on newton genius.

    • headbandsandheartbreak January 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

      Aiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee! Don’t you DARE tweet it to El Pirata! Last thing I need is to get sued or have him hate me!

  6. maddy January 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    Ha ha, okay i won’t. but why would he sue you? plus, i think he’d love it. But i won’t show it to him, promise 🙂

  7. shiggers January 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

    Lozil, you’re brilliant! You just made a suck-filled day of Target/laundry/cleaning 100x better. Thanks!

  8. lym January 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    ooooohhh my god!! This is excellent!!! I can´t stop laughing.. just showed it to my sister and we have been laughing our asses off!!! Thanks so much!!!

  9. Dia January 12, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Just watch…….this guy will be in Barcelona next week all “OMG you guys, you’re my favorite team!” Pics of him receiving a shirt from Xavi and going all fanboy on Messi.

    • Dia January 12, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

      ^ I meant the Telo guy.

      The Diary of El Pirata is Greatness, Lozil 🙂

  10. Tania January 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

    Oh Pirata you know it’s your world we just are privilege enough to live in it 😀
    This was one of the best force violin post ever 🙂

  11. Anonymous January 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm #

    OH MY GOD. This is brilliant! I reread it three times btw and I loved it just the same if not more each time I read it.

  12. jellyace January 13, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    This is witty and wicked and wickedly witty!

  13. Anonymous January 15, 2012 at 9:29 am #

    lmao this is hilarious!

  14. headbandsandheartbreak January 15, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    For more of El Pirata’s musings, click on the new “El Pirata’s Hipster Angst” tag in the post…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Thursday Bits & Bobs Part I | Of Headbands and Heartbreak... - August 1, 2013

    […] In the first picture, he looks like someone questioned the validity of his indie cred. Heavens forbid! It’s like someone said “I bet you have a huge collection of Michel Telo bootlegs.” It’s that kinda look. And we all know how he feels about Michel Telo. […]

  2. Thursday Bits & Bobs | Of Headbands and Heartbreak... - August 2, 2013

    […] In the first picture, he looks like someone questioned the validity of his indie cred. Heavens forbid! It’s like someone said “I bet you have a huge collection of Michel Telo bootlegs.” It’s that kinda look. And we all know how he feels about Michel Telo. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: