From The Angst Filled Hipster Diary of El Pirata

We managed to sneak a peek at El Pirata’s Moleskine journal today while he was  kickin’ back at the local coffee house. He should have never left it on the table while he was in the loo. We’re sneaky like that. 

I’m having the worst week ever! First, I don’t get called up to play against Malaga and OF COURSE that’s the day when they play the Beatles on the bus instead of Sergio’s whiny love ballads (which he claims remind him of Lara, but we all really know that he means Nando), his Eurodisco mega-mix or Marcelo’s hip hop collection. Oh and I’ve got news for you, Karim, rap doesn’t sound bad ass in French, it just sounds like you’re dropping science about perfume or haute cuisine. And then Xabi just had to rub it in by posting the good music news on Twitter. HE KNOWS I READ HIS TWITTER FEED! That’s just so passive-aggressive. He’s probably pissed because I said I looked better in a pea coat and Ray Bans than he does. Whatever. Then there are all these rumors that I’m transferring to Arsenal, Liverpool, Malaga… Who the hell is going to run the biweekly spoken word throwdown at Cafe Vegan Boheme’ if I leave? (And for the record, why the hell do my teammates always say they’re going to come to that and never show?  There are always mumbled excuses about getting the date wrong and Mesut pretends he doesn’t understand Spanish when I invite him. Philistines!)

So yeah, the week started off like shit, but then today, oh, today it got so much worse. We had a celebrity visitor. And who was the celebrity, you might ask? None other than that Brazilian devil, Michel Telo, he of “Ai Se Eu Te Pego” infamy. THAT. FRIGGING. SONG. It makes me want to claw my eyes out!  And look at this dude! Could he BE more perky?!

That song is Satan tied up in a pretty, catchy bow. I mean there’s an accordion involved! The only time an accordion is acceptable is when Regine from The Arcade Fire plays it. Ah, Regine…. Why can’t The Arcade Fire visit Valdebebas?!  Why can’t I ever have nice things?! But I digress…

Everyone was so damn excited that Michel was here. They all had to run and have their picture taken with him.

And then Marcelo gave him a shirt which he made all of us sign, because, HELLO! IT’S MICHEL TELO, YOU GUYS! (like he was freaking Dylan or something. Why can’t Dylan visit Valdebebas? Oh right. Only Xabi and I would know who he was and right now, I’m not speaking to Xabi.) I thought that the dude was going to weep with excitement!

He had to talk Brazilian stuff with Kaka, because the entire country worships him in way that would probably make Kaka feel uncomfortable if he really thought it through. False gods and whatnot, you know.

And of course, Cristiano is his favorite player…. 

“Cristiano Ronaldo is incredible and he’s my favourite player. I really admire him. I’ve always admired him because he is a world class player who needs no comments to describe him.”

Cristiano is EVERYONE’S favorite player. Just for once, I’d like a world leader to show up and be all like “Oooooh, I can’t wait to meet Antonio Adan – I worship him!” or “Damn, that El Pirata is a well read, snappy dressing hipster icon with amazing skills. Out of my way uber-tanned high scoring Armani model dude that I don’t know, let me at Granero” Yeah, but that shit doesn’t happen here. It’s Cristiano’s world, we just live in it.

Then he had to gush about how much he loved Real Madrid and all of the team. Not to mention he had his picture taken everywhere possible.

“I’m very happy to be here with the people I’ve always admired. I’m very excited to step on the pitch they step on. I never imagined I could be here. I’m nervous and must confess my favourite pastime is to play football videogames. I always choose Real Madrid when I play and I’m here with them now. That’s amazing.”

Did he really just admit that he likes to play as Real Madrid on videogames? Oy. I mean, dude, everyone does it but you’ve gone full metal fangirl with that admission!  So much for your indie cred, Michel Telo. Oh right, you don’t have any! You’re no Erase Errata, buddy, that’s for sure. He seems really excited and sincere though, so I’ll give him that. He probably wouldn’t idolize the boys so much if he had to live with them day in, day out. You can’t get near a mirror between Sergio and Cristiano.  Marcelo & Pepe are always pranking everyone. Albiol likes to light his farts on fire. Nobody reads David Foster Wallace except Xabi and he’s too busy sexting Stevie all the time to talk about it with me. It’s like a multimillionaire filled frat house. I don’t know how someone with my sensitivity survives. I am so misunderstood. Oh hells no, Marcelo and Pepe are leading a conga line through the locker room and playing Ai Se Eu Te Pego for the 800th time today. Fuck this shit. I’m outta here. I’m going to head down to the coffee house, get a double espresso and write some fanfic. Dave Eggars/Myla Goldberg OTP, ftw! Later, I’ll hit the thrift store and dig for some vintage vinyl while listening to Vashti Bunyan. That collaboration she did with Piano Magic was ill. Ai Se Eu Te Pego THAT, muthafukkas.

Yours in good cheekboned well clad angst,

Pirata

– Lozil