World Cup 2018 – Group Stage Game 1s Mini Recap

21 Jun


Mesmerized. That’s what you’re feeling right now. Or maybe it’s just what I’m feeling. Naaaaaahhhh, you are too. Join me in the shallow end of the pool, won’t you.

Someone asked me to tell them the hottest players at the World Cup and I told them to just google the Icelandic team. I’m not wrong.

{The mesmerizer above, btw, is Icelandic midfielder/model Rúrik Gíslason. His instagram follower count has increased by 400,000+ since the Germany vs Iceland match on Saturday. Hmmm mmmm. We’re all in the shallow end of the pool.}

Now, beyond everyone going bananas for Iceland (or being related to pretty much the whole team), the past six days have brought us exciting Game 1 matches, nervy debutantes, ego-busted legacies, a Brazil whine fest, Neymar dramatics, a plane fire, an artificial earthquake, a player sent home, and a shitload of incorrect VAR statements and opinions.

VAR. There are many reasons why I loathe football commentators and pundits–especially English ones and especially former / current players–but a new reason is their lack of knowledge regarding VAR. But I am going to save you from my rage except to say: Watch. This. Video.

World Cup 2018 By Numbers and Photos
Largest attendance: Russia vs Saudi Arabia, 78,011
Lowest attendance: Egypt vs Uruguay, 27,015
Average attendance: 47,355

Total goals: 38
Hat-tricks: 1
Braces: 4
Penalty kicks: 9
Penalty goals: 7
Free kick goals: 4
Own goals: 4

Goals: Cristiano Ronaldo POR (3)
Assists: Aleksandr Golovin RUS (2)
Shots (excl blocked): Lionel Messi ARG (6)
Chances created: Kieran Trippier ENG (6)
Passes: Javier Mascherano ARG (141)
Saves: Guillermo Ochoa (9)

Yellow cards: 50
Red cards: 1
Most fouls on a single player: 10 (Switzerland vs Neymar)

Opening Ceremony

Nah, no one needs to be reminded of that … bad 90s throwback.

Day 1: Group A – Russia (5) vs Saudi Arabia (0)

Body suit or body paint?
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Praise
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Too cute
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Day 2: Group A – Egypt (0) vs Uruguay (1)

Ramos is here? Where?
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Dobby would NOT be a Uruguay fan
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I don’t miss you when you’re gone, Luis
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Day 2: Group B – Morocco (0) vs Iran (1)

The new #ImWithHer
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I ran, I ran so far away
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Day 2: Group B – Portugal (3) vs Spain (3)

Portugal’s Twelfth Man
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The tighter your grip, the less you have to hold
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I’m all about trashy and tacky but even this offends my taste.
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Day 3: Group C – France (2) vs Australia (1)

French Open was last week, dude
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Ocean’s One
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How do I get Space Invaders on this?
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The Thunder Roar
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Day 3: Group C – Peru (0) vs Denmark (1)

This one’s for you, Dad.
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I’m so lonely
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Moves like Jagger
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No, you can’t make me
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Day 3: Group D – Argentina (1) vs Iceland (1)

The handsomest bitches in all the land
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Kiss my calf?!
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Wait … watcha doin’ later?
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Where’s the goat?
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Day 4: Group D – Croatia (2) vs Nigeria (0)

Short Circuit 4
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Gareth?!
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The exclamation point really sells it
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Now this is a story all about how / My life got flipped, turned upside down
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Day 5: Group E – Costa Rica (0) vs Serbia (1)

You’re the cutest! No, you’re the cutest!
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The Navas
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Work, supermodel, you better work it
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Day 4: Group E – Brazil (1) vs Switzerland (1)

When waddle race practice takes a turn
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😍
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The Marcelo
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Day 4: Group F – Germany (0) vs Mexico (1)

They love me
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They love me not
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This is my dance space. This is your dance space.
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This looks like a nice spot
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The Ochoa
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Day 5: Group F – Sweden (1) vs South Korea (0)

Hey Zlatan, how ya doin’?
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Safe!
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Day 5: Group G – Belgium (3) vs Panama (0)

Am I doing it right?
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The Courtois
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Day 5: Group G – Tunisia (1) vs England (2)

Principal Southgate
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twinkle, twinkle little bat
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lads do football… or boxing… or wrestling. Not friggin’ ballet.
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huh huh huh … huh huh … huh huh huh
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Day 6: Group H – Colombia (1) vs Japan (2)

Put your back into it
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VAR won’t catch this
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Indecision
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I got a love that keeps me waiting
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Day 6: Group H – Poland (1) vs Senegal (2)

Synchronization
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The Szczesny
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Commitment
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Trailblazer
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– hopechaser

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