The Headbands & Heartbreak Glossary

So, yeah, we use a lot of in jokes and abbreviations.  We decided to have mercy on you and let you in on our lingo. Here’s a quick way to know what we’re ranting about at any given time.  This will be added to and if there’s something missing, please feel free to let us know!

“¿Qué?”

AHA! – The bromantic threesome of Albiol, Pipita and Arbeloa. Coined by watishista Jellyace.

Ana Sofia – Pepe’s girlfriend. They have 2 daughters Angeli & Emily.

Carlo Ancelotti – Current head coach of Real Madrid. Nickame: Carletto

Albiolita – The bromance between Pipita & Albiol. After Arbeloa started ignoring Albiol, Pipa pulled up quick to retrieve it. He’s convinced Raul is his lucky charm. We’re just charmed at how much they fawn over each other, especially on Twitter. (This bromance is still going strong at Napoli!)

Anna Maria Lagerblom – Mesut’s much reviled (by *some* fangirls) ex-girlfriend, 8 years his senior (and Lozil would just like you to know there is NOTHING wrong with a little younger man/older woman action, thank you very much). She married rapper Bushido in 2012.

Arbeloita – The confusing bromance between Pipita and Arbeloa. At first Pipa was all about Albiol and then…

Atleti –  Nickname for Atletico Madrid – the Mets to Real’s Yankees. Former team of Fernando Torres.

Balagan – Hebrew word meaning messy, (not “Messi”), chaos, fiasco, etc. It’s one of Lozil’s favorite words and she uses it all the time, which gives you a bit of insight into what her life is like. Sad, that.

Barca – Barcelona F.C.

Becks – Nickname of David Beckham.

Becksillas – David Beckham and Iker Casillas

Besos – Kisses

BFH – Shorthand for Beyond Fucking Hot. Coined by wa-tishista! Jenny to refer to a category of Drool that goes above and beyond the call of hotness. It’s the kinda hot that makes you gasp out loud. If you would like an idea of what qualifies for BFH here at  HB & HB, feast your eyes on Nacer Chadli.

Bi-teamual – Lover of two rival teams. Here at HB & HB, this usually refers to people who equally love Real Madrid and Barca.

Booty Call – Pipita & Calleti

Booty CAAll (variation) – When Pipita and Calleti are joined by Albiol & Arbeloa.

Brooklyn Sweaty Shanks™ Peña – Lozil-hosted weekly meet up to watch Real Madrid games. Wa-tishista! J-9 rather legendarily christened it when she drunkenly mumbled “Mmmmmmm….I love their sweaty shanks” one night while we were watching rugby. Soon, gathering to watch rugby or footy became known as “Sweaty Shanks Time.”    We too love their sweaty shanks. Hala Madrid!

Calleti – Team nickname for the delicious (former RM, now Napoli) midfielder Jose Maria Callejon. He and his partner Marta have 2 daughters Paula & India. He also has a twin brother named Juanmi, who was part of Castilla with him. Juanmi now plays for Bolivar FC in Bolivia.

Camp Nou – Home stadium of our arch rivals, Barcelona.

Caroline Celico – Wife and childhood sweetheart of former RM midfielder Kaka. They have a son Luca and their daughter, Isabella, was born on 4/23/11, the day after her daddy’s 29th birthday. It was also the day that he scored 2 goals and had 2 assists against Valencia. He celebrated the goals in this fashion in honor of her impending birth. Guess she got the hint and came a few days early! Mazel Tov!

Champions League – Sponsored by UEFA. Annual competition between the top clubs in Europe.

Charlie Browning It – The odd tendency of ‘ballers to lie completely prone on the field at certain times ala Charlie Brown.

Clarice Alves – Wife of Marcelo and mama of Enzo

Copa del Rey – (The King’s Cup)- Annual football competition for Spanish football teams.

Cris, Crispy, Crissy, CR7, (or if you’re going old skool, CR9)– All nicknames for Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid forward.

Criska – Cristiano Ronaldo & Kaka

CrispyKarim – Cristiano Ronaldo & Karim Benzema

Cristiano Ronaldo –  Star forward for Real Madrid and the Portuguese National Team. Former Armani underwear model and perennial tabloid fodder. He has an adorable son Cristiano Jr.

Crozil – Cristiano Ronaldo & Mesut Ozil

Cules – Self-given nickname for Barca fans.

Curro – Chihuahua belonging to Calleti, Marta, Paula & India. They have another doggie as well, Ona.

Die Mannschaft – Alternative name for the German National Team. Sounds like a pR0n flick that I’d happily watch.

DLD – Die Liebe Dreieck (the Google Translate German version of The Love Triangle). Refers to the bromantic triangle between Sami Khedira –Mesut Ozil-Cristiano Rolando. Update!  1/26/11 Reader Lola (not to be confused with Lozil) has clarified that the correct phrase in German is “das Liebesdreieck” Whew! We were close and now Maisougio doesn’t have to completely re-design all the banners!

Doce – Iker and Sara’s puppy  They have a second doggie now, Uno.

Doggies: Nalla, Uli & Lola – Adorable dog menagerie of Marcelo (We can’t keep up with all their pets. They have at least 2 more dogs and 3 more cats at this point).

Dudley Hawk Right DeGeneres-McCononaughey – Lozil’s pet name for former Atleti player Diego Forlan. She’s convinced that he looks like a cross between Dudley Do Right and a hawk. Maisougio thinks he looks like the love child of Ellen DeGeneres and Matthew McCononaughey.

Epic Bromance Month – The time on HB & HB when we celebrate the love of men…for each other.

El Chori (or just Chori) – Nickname of former Real Madrid, now Napoli defender Raul Albiol. It stands for “chorizo” and references the length and size of….um, well, his man bits. Nicknamed by other members of the Spanish National Team. He’s also incredibly prolific as he and his gorgeous wife Alicia have 4 kids: Azahara, Alma, Romeo & Mia.

El Nino (The Kid) – Nickname of Fernando Torres (Atleti).

El Pirata – The nickname of the yummy  former Real Madrid, now Real Sociedad midfielder Esteban Granero. Nicknamed because he celebrates his goals like a pirate (erm, how hot is that? Yaaar!)

Enzo – The adorable son of Real Madrid defender Marcelo and his wife, Clarice Alves. He brings us joy every day.

Escudo – Spanish word for crest or emblem. We use it to refer to the crest of  Real Madrid

ETA – El Triángulo Amoroso – Refers to a potential future bromantic triangle between Sergio Ramos-Sami Khedira-Iker Casillas

Fabrique – Gerard Pique & Cesc Fabregas

Fauxnando –  Lozil’s nickname for Fábio Coentrão because he reminds her of Fernando Torres. “Why?” you may ask. Well, read some of the similarities and why he seemed destined for Real Madrid towards the bottom of this post. Also, he could be Sernando’s lovechild. Don’t believe me? Peep this.

Fideo – Nickname of former Real Madrid (currently Manchester United) and Argentine National Team midfielder Angel DiMaria. Fideo means “noodle” and he is indeed one skinny stringbean. He has a lovely wife, Jorgelina and a daughter Mia.

Flotsam & Jetsam – Carlo Ancelotti’s rather expressive eyebrows.

FSG – aka Fun Size German – Our pet name for Mesut Ozil due to his adorable, slight frame (well, he was slight when we nicknamed him this in 2010). He may be 6 feet tall but next to some of the burly, built dudes on the team, he looks like a wee lad. He’s like one of those tasty little candy bars you get on Halloween. Yum! Maisougio named him this.

Fernando Torres – Atleti and Spanish National Team striker. Known for his freckles, bitchface and epic bromance with Sergio Ramos. His ass is like whoa.

Florentino Perez – President of Real Madrid FC. I like to call him FloP/FloPeezy because we’re so close.

Force Violin – An HB & HB joke which comes from this post’s Facebook Ikerlish. Opportunists that we are, we decided to make Force Violin happen, much like “fetch” – we’re still trying.

Geeker – Watishista Emily coined this pet name for our beloved captain when he gets his dork on, which is disturbingly often.

Gerlonso – Steven Gerrard (Liverpool FC) & Xabi Alonso

Gitano (gypsy) – Another nickname for Sergio Ramos.

Hair Club for Men – Rather evil nickname for the truly wonderful former RM player Ricardo Carvalho. In our defense, he totally looks like he has hair plugs. Yes, we’re bitches. We are well aware of this. But that’s what keeps you coming back, right?

Headbands and Heartbreak: The Novel – Our fantasy (football themed) gay Harlequin romance.  Someday, we may even write it. Think gay Harlequin-style romances don’t exist? Think again.

Iker Casillas – Real Madrid and Spanish National Team goalkeeper.  Hot, emo and all man. He and his partner Sara Carbonero have a son, Martin.

In Mou We Trust – Phrase that we utter when we know it’s Mou, not Jesus, who needs to take the wheel and lead our team to greater heights. “Let go and let Mou,” people, you won’t be sorry. Now if we could convince  Jorge Valdano and Florentino Perez to do the same! UPDATE: Obvs, we don’t say this anymore. Mou is back at Chelsea now.

Irina Shayk – Cristiano’s current former WAG. Her website intro is a cross between a Victoria’s Secret commercial and soft core pR0n.

Jailbait! – Nickname for the barely legal lookin’ former Real Madrid, now Real Sociedad midfielder Sergio Canales. He’s currently on loan to Valencia (and injured). We miss him.

Jorge Valdano – Former General Manager of Real Madrid FC. Rumored to often butt heads with Mou, which made us all very unhappy. Was fired by the club in June 2011.

Juanin – Pet name for Juan Mata

Kaka (real name:Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite) – Midfielder for  (formerly Real Madrid and the Brazilian National Team) Orlando City. Known for his intense love of Jesus and his touching bromance with his complete polar opposite, Cristiano Ronaldo. Shigs is terrified of him because she thinks that no one can smile that much and be sane. She’s positive he will someday snap and kill us all.

Khesillas – Sami Khedira & Iker Casillas

Khedergio – Sami Khedira & Sergio Ramos

King Bitchface Von Sex Beard – Lozil’s nickname for David Villa, who currently plays for NYC FC.

Lara Alvarez – Rumored to be the new girlfriend of Sergio Ramos (as of Jan. 2011). Maisougio’s arch enemy. A Spanish sports TV reporter just like Sara Carbonero.  Oooh, Iker and Sergio are all matchy-matchy! UPDATE: As of April 10, 2011, they are apparently done and dusted. Maisougio is one happy camper. UPDATE: They’re on again! And Lara has bangs now. UPDATE: They’re off again! Update: They are soooo over. He’s got a baby and baby mama now.

La Furia Roja/La Roja/La Seleccion – Alternative names for the Spanish National Team

Laverne & Shirley – Mou’s Moubs. So named by awesome watishista! jellyace. Don’t know what a  Moub is? Read on for the definition.

Lena Gercke – Model girlfriend of Sami Khedira. She won Germany’s Next Top Model and is now a TV presenter.

Los Blancos – aka The Whites – Nickname for Real Madrid.

Lozil – One half of the HB & HB team.  She’s big on words.

Maisougio – The other half of the HB & HB team.  She’s a design diva. (Now retired from the blog)

Manita – When a team scores 5 goals in a game. It’s awesome when we do this. When Barca does this to us, we weep for days (weeks, months…)

Manu/Manolo/Manolin – Nicknames (the former from his days at Arsenal, the latter two given by his new teammates at Real Madrid) for Togolese striker Emmanuel Adebayor. He came to Real Madrid on loan from Manchester City in January 2011. He is currently at Tottenham Hotspur.

Marta Ponsati Romero – Girfriend of Calleti. She has a cute daughter named Paula that they are raising together. They also have a daughter named India.

Mesut’s Gum Trick –  Ozi has his very own Stupid Human Trick. He can juggle his gum. Admittedly, it’s rather gross, but to be able to control something that small takes some serious skillz. Apparently, he was attempting to teach this to Sami at the Bernabeu one day, but I have yet to find footage of this. If you ever see it, send it on! Update 3/3/11: Lovely wa-tishista! Jenny has confirmed that this was actually before the Germany vs. Kazakhstan game. Let’s find that footage, people! Thanks, Jenny – you rule!

Mesut Ozil –  Ex-Real Madrid and German National Team midfielder. Adoration object for Lozil, who is most often seen clad in an RM Ozil jersey on game day. Update: He’s at Arsenal now and has grown a Pr0nstache.

Mothership – Pet name for RealMadrid.com

Mou – Jose M0urinho, the former coach/manager of Real Madrid. He’s the man the press and most of the world love to hate, but his players (and the fans lucky enough to have him working for their team) absolutely adore him. Mou was just voted FIFA’s Coach of the Year for 2010. Has a habit of chewing excessive amounts of gum.

Mouberries – Mou’s junk. Cameramen love to zoom in on it for some reason, thereby horrifying all and sundry. Maisougio came up with this term and Lozil came up with the alternative name, The Special One’s Special One. No matter what you call it, it’s really nothing that we need to see now or EVER.

Moubs – We love Mou and he’s a silver fox, but we have to face the fact: he has man boobs. Hence, “Moubs”  Watishista! jellyace rather brilliantly named them Laverne & Shirley.

Mounapause – We’re starting to think our Fearless Leader is going through The Change what with his recent inexplicable behavior (hey, he is a Gentleman of a Certain Age). Our theory? Mounapause which is defined as such by watishista! Jellyace –  Mounopause: noun. A physical condition related to aging that causes the sufferer to make outlandish statements, perceive conspiracies, assault others,and give back-handed apologies. Usual remedy is to buy a little red convertible sports car and take Laverne & Shirley out for a spin. (This entry is circa 2013)

Muppet Babies/Muppets/Mups – Young baby ‘ballers. Muppet Baby Week is the special time that we feature them on The Daily Drool. And if you think they’re way too young for you (They are. They really, really are!), just ask to yourself “WWCD?” aka What Would Cristiano Do? And the answer is: Muppet Babies. Alvaro Morata is the King of the Muppet Babies.

Nagore Aramburu – aka The Luckiest Woman in the World. She’s the wife of Xabi Alonso and mother of his three  children (Jontxu, Ane & Emma). They’ve been dating since they were teenagers. (If you want a real FML moment, check out Xabi & Nagore’s spread in Vogue Espana. They are possibly the most beautiful and happy couple in the world. You can’t even hate them, they’re so perfect.  Update: If you *really* want to feel completely inadequate, the genius Una Madridista has translated the Xabi/Nagore interview in Vogue Espana. Put on the Morrissey and grab the booze. We’re not worthy.)

Nando – Fandom nickname for (Atleti and Spanish National Team) player Fernando Torres.

Norma Desmond – Lozil’s nickname for Angel Di Maria due to his hammy acting skills while diving obnoxiously. Named after Gloria Swanson’s character in Sunset Boulevard. “All right, Mr. Mourinho, I’m ready for my close up!”  It is NOT a compliment.

Odie – Sergio’s wee purse dog. If you’re really bored, you can go watch a blurry video of Sergio & his brother Rene taking little Odie for a visit to the vet from Spanish television. We haven’t seen any pictures of Odie in quite awhile and frankly, we’re a bit concerned. Here’s hoping his fuzzy little butt is still hale and hearty. Update: Odie must have gone to doggie heaven by now. He hasn’t been seen in public in like 10 years.

Olalla Dominquez Liste – Wife of Fernando Torres and mama to the adorable Nora and Leo.

Orange Juice and Playstation –  This comes from a memorable quote by Anna Maria Lagerblom to the German press on why she broke up with Mesut Ozil: “”Mesut comes back after almost every training session with his friends, they drink orange juice and play Playstation until late. This is not a life for me.” (Side note to Anna Maria: Hon, he’s a 22 year old boy. THAT’S WHAT THEY DO. Love, Lozil)  Of course, we made something completely perverted out of this.

OTP aka One True Pairing – A fandom term which indicates who you prefer to believe belongs together for-evah! Prime examples: Sernando, Gerlonso, Crozil, Fabrique, Seriker, Criska, Iker/Cesc, Mesut/Sami, Becksillas, Khedergio, etc.

Ozi – The RM squad’s nickname for Mesut Ozil. Makes sense, no? No matter what you call him, he is simply adorable.

Palco – The area in the stadium where the players (who were not called up for the game or are injured) and their families sit when they are watching the match.

Peter Lion – Fandom nickname for former Real Madrid midfielder Pedro León for, um, obvious reasons. (He’s now at Getafe)

Pichichi – The trophy awarded by Spanish sports newspaper Marca to the top goalscorer for each La Liga season.

Pilar Rubio – Spanish TV presenter, partner of Sergio Ramos and mother of Sergio Jr.

Pipa/Pipita/Pipita Applebum – Nickname of Gonzalo Higuain, Napoli’s Argentine forward.  Lovingly dubbed “King of the Shelf Booty” by the ladies at Kickette. (AND HE USED TO BE OURS! WAH!)

Pirate Booty – The bromance between El Pirata and Pipita, because seriously, what else would you call the love between our resident Pirate and the King of the Shelf Booty?

Pirate Watch: 2011 – A feature requested by wa-tishista! kfunk22. She loves her some El Pirata so we try to keep her (and wa-tishista! Dollo) happy and show as many pictures of him as we can. It’s no hardship, believe me, as we’ve fallen under the charming scalliwag’s spell too. Yaaaaar! UPDATED: We now have new tags – Pirate Watch 2012 and El Pirata’s Hipster Angst to cover all his cooler-than-you adventures.

Pudding Wrestling – Preferred HB & HB method of settling disputes over which player “belongs” to which wa-tishista!  Often thrown out here as a challenge. Example: W1: “I love Mesut the best!” W2: “Oh yeah, I’ll pudding wrestle you for him!” W1: “Yeah? Well, BRING. IT. ON.”  Genial shit talking ensues.

Pugs: Sawyer, Mulder and Bauer –   Alvaro Arbeloa’s incredibly adorable pug puppies.

Rocky – Mesut Ozil’s bulldog puppy. As super cute as his daddy. Update: And then Rocky mysteriously disappeared. Mesut then got a black pug named Balboa.

RPF/RPS (Real Person Fic/Real Person Slash) – This is a fan fiction designation that implies that the stories are about real people in admittedly untrue situations. Slash implies gay situations. Many people find RPF/RPS inappropriate, disrespectful, appalling, etc. Others do not. They recognize it as fiction and leave it at that. We will occasionally link to fan fiction of this nature. It may be innocent (general and g-rated) and at times it will be flat out smut, but link we will. If this offends you, DON’T READ IT. It’s as simple as that.  We’re not here to judge fan fiction choices (and we’d prefer to not hear your rants about us going to hell for reading it either). I’m guessing if you’re reading the posts here, this is probably not something that’s going to upset you, but I just want to put it out there so there are no tears later.

Sami Khedira – Lovable and solid Real Madrid and German National Team midfielder. Gives intelligent, humble and delightful interviews. Currently dating gorgeous model Lena Gercke. One of the best looking couples in footy, IMHO.

San Iker – Nickname of Iker Casillas. It means “Saint Iker”

Santiago Bernabeu – Home stadium of Real Madrid. Basically The Holy Land for Madridistas.

Sara Carbonero – Spanish sports TV reporter and girlfriend of San Iker. Nicknamed “PastaSauce” by the ladies at Kickette. Mother of Iker’s son Martin.

Sese – Another nickname for Sergio Ramos.

Sergio Ramos – Super fine Real Madrid and Spanish National Team defender. He loves headbands, all things Louis Vuitton and Nando. Not necessarily in that order. Papi of Sergio Jr. and partner of Pilar Rubio. Excessively tattooed.

Seriker – Sergio Ramos and Iker Casillas

Sernando – Sergio Ramos and Fernando Torres (Chelsea FC) One of the greatest and prettiest bromances of all time.  I mean,  JUST LOOK AT THEM!  ::fans self:: I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off the other if I was them either. In a perfect world, there would be a reality show where they just made out all day.

Sexio – Nickname given to Sergio Ramos by his future wife, Maisougio. It stuck and is now used by the whole fandom.

Shiggers – Loyal wa-tishista! and charter member of the Brooklyn Sweaty Shanks™ Peña. Since she’s mentioned here so frequently, I thought she deserved her own entry. Shigs is capable of drinking impressive quantities of beer in a single bound and has a most spectacular rack. Loves: Iker & Xabi  Hates: Mouberries

The Daily Drool – Because we care, we’re giving you a little sumpin’ sumpin’ each day to put a lecherous smile on your face. We’re all about the admiration and objectification here at HB & HB.

The Ramos – Fandom (and Kickette) nickname for Sergio Ramos.

The Special One – Nickname given by the press to Mou. He said in an interview that he’d like to think he was “a special one” and it stuck. It’s often used as a form of derision. However, we Madridistas know that he is indeed a special one and y’all are just jealous. So there. ::sticks out tongue:: Update: And then there was drama and then he left for Chelsea.

Tormata – Fernando Torres & Juan Mata. A bromance that seriously challenges Sernando.

Training Legs! – Watishista Emily coined this battle cry which is uttered when you are lucky enough to spy the shapely calf muscles and beyond muscular thighs of our boys during training matches. STRETCH ‘EM, GENTLEMEN!

Vicente Calderon – Home stadium of hometown rivals Atletico Madrid.

Vicente del Bosque – Current coach of the Spanish National Team and former coach of Real Madrid

WAG – Stands for Wives and Girlfriends (of the players).

Wa-tish! – In our perverted minds, Khedergio like to tie each other up with their vast communal headband collection. “Wa-tish!” is the sound that a tiny headband makes when whipping someone. See? I told you we were sick pervs.

Wa-tish! Corner – A place to feature things that we wouldn’t mind wa-tishing and then some.

Wa-tishista – Lover of wa-tishing and/or loyal reader of Headbands and Heartbreak.

Xabi Alonso –  Sauve, sophisticated, all around perfect  former Real Madrid and Spanish National Team midfielder. He formerly played for Liverpool FC and shared a beautiful bromance with Stevie Gerrard. ::sniffle:: Xabi is a serious GQ muthaf***a and makes everyone we know weak at the knees. Update: And then he went to Bayern Munich and broke our hearts forever.